Guided by external teacher vs. claiming one's own inner teacher

I recently participated in a gathering.

Those who attended the gathering referred to the one in ''the chair'' as their ''teacher''. I was confused. Utterly confused at the word ''teacher''. In my experience, a teacher is one in a hierarchical realm, and I prefer to roam in collaborative realms.

On the first day of the gathering I remained silent. My intention was to get a sense of the culture of this gathering, and if the spirit moved me, I'd speak on the following day.

On the second day of the gathering, one of the participants approached me and suggested I ''have an interaction'' with the ''teacher''. ''For what purpose?'' I asked, and the response included, ''When you speak it benefits everyone''. I said, ''I'm ''.

Though I didn't feel moved to speak, I began to sense that here was a precious opportunity of being with about a dozen people, who are sitting with me in a room, and possibly - just possibly- sit with me as I sit with the enormous terror that resides in my body.

Something in me had the notion to ask for the microphone (in this culture, the speaker holds a microphone in hand), and to hold it in silence. From me, there would be no words, only silence. And in the silent attention of the people, the terror inside of me would have a sense of companionship.

Just as I was about to ask for the microphone, another person took it. As she was holding the microphone she went around the room and asked each person if she/he wants the microphone. When I was asked the question, my response was, ''If I were to want the microphone, would you give it to me?''

Her response was, ''If the teacher - pointing to flesh-and-blood teacher sitting in the chair-tells me to give it to you, I'll give it to you.''

I was beginning to feel somewhat dizzy inside. Dizzy and confused and unable to make sense of what was unfolding.

I said, ''I'm a bit confused. Who's sitting in the chair now, you or the teacher?''

I'll pause here. I'm wondering if anyone here gets what my confusion is about. I'm unable to articulate it, and sometimes it supports me when non-verbal experiences are articulated.