I'm trying to feel the foot below the ground, so befuddled and foncused am I.
Some shock as well.
Since the police invasion, I have a paralyzing terror and I'm immobilized most of the time.
Basic tasks are left unattended.
Pat is one who is willing to support me, if I am to offer her cash in exchange for her support. I tell her of my impoverished financial situation, and I tell her of a possibility: I can apply for a home aide, via the almighty City Of New York. If approved for services, the almighty City of New York would offer cash to the one who assists me with my daily living tasks.
Pat likes the idea. She accompanies me to the doctor. The doctor completes the appropriate documentation, indicating that Angel is physically weak and in need of someone to help her with basic tasks.
I submit the documentation to the appropriate almighty New York City agency.
A human being has been assigned the task of evaluating me in person. She says she can come to my home on Wednesday.
Pat says, ''You MUST have someone with you in your home when the agent comes to evaluate your status. I am willing to be there''.
The next day, Pat receives a call from the agent. (I wince at the notion of speaking with a City agent, and have asked Pat to be the intermediary. Pat has agreed, and now the calls are directed to Pat instead of me). The agent calls Pat and says she wants to reschedule the appointment. She wants to come on Monday instead of Wednesday.
Pat says to me, ''Monday is not a good day for me because I have group therapy on Monday morning and it's very important to me to attend the group therapy. But I told you I would be there when the evaluator comes, so I will be there on Monday and I will miss my group therapy''.
I say to Pat, ''I'm feeling uncomfortable about you missing your group therapy. Is there a possibility of the agent coming on Tues. or Wed. or another day? Would you tell the agent I'm not available on Monday?''
Pat says, ''I think we should get this over with as soon as possible. This is long overdue.'' Pat is not willing to tell the agent I'm unavailable on Monday.
I say to Pat, ''Perhaps we can figure out a way that you can have your group therapy on Monday, and I can have someone here when the evaluator comes.''
Pat says, ''I'll give up my therapy on Monday, and I'll come be with you, and you'll owe me''.
I ask, ''What do you mean by that?''
Pat says, ''Eventually you'll have money to pay me, and you'll pay me''.
Those were the words that shocked my system. I cannot make sense of ''you'll owe me'' :(
I recognize yet again my naivete, my innocence.
